My identify is Elon Musk, and I’m the C.E.O. of Tesla and the daddy of roughly one per cent of the present inhabitants of Earth and 100 per cent of the longer term inhabitants of Mars. As , the human physique has not been considerably up to date in practically forty years. The brand new Tesla Physique will revolutionize, streamline, and vastly modernize the human physique as we all know it.
Let’s begin with strolling: it sucks. I’ll make all our bodies self-walking. You’ll merely set a velocity to your toes, and they’ll stroll ahead without end till your Physique stops when it encounters a tough floor. I, after all, will outfit all buildings and partitions in city areas with cushioning. To scale back drownings, any ravine or physique of water can be edged with taut elastic ropes. At present, we’re making Scottsdale, Arizona, able to be walked in by the 12 months 2045. I can hear the critics now: “What if I would like to show?” Initially, what are you, some kind of king? Nobody “wants” to show. However, for these Baryshnikovs amongst us who need to flip left or proper like royalty, there can be non-obligatory ski poles that can be purchased to your Physique. They’ll price 5 hundred and ninety-five {dollars} per pole.
Eyes are very boring. Most of what performs in them is boring content material (waking up, taking good care of your beta-tier youngsters, and so forth.). I’ll ensure that, in your new Tesla Physique, the eyes will play solely the funniest episodes of “Rick and Morty” all day, day by day. If you wish to fall asleep, it’s straightforward as pie—simply put in your Tesla noise-cancelling headphones (the sound of “Rick and Morty” comes out of a tiny speaker in your tear ducts) and slide in your Tesla Blackout Sleep Contacts. You shouldn’t put on your contacts for greater than 4 hours at a time, for cornea well being, which is why we promote a handy Tesla alarm clock, which can wake you up each 4 hours to be able to take away your contacts. The alarm clock additionally performs my favourite episodes of “Rick and Morty.” It prices three thousand and ninety-five {dollars}, plus twelve ninety-nine for the Hulu subscription that offers you entry to the “Rick and Morty” episodes.
Meals is so silly. Oh, take a look at me, I really like having to eat each single day like some kind of livestock or mom of my youngsters! Silly. The Tesla Physique will function on flavorless protein powder which you could deposit as soon as a day instantly into your abdomen by way of a tiny door. The powder will give the Physique sufficient power to stroll precisely six miles. If you don’t funds your every day power fastidiously, your Physique will sit down on the ground and never transfer till the subsequent morning. However, fortunately, a handy Tesla Emergency Tent is included with each Physique. When your Physique breaks down, simply pull out the tent out of your Tesla Bindle, set it up (be aware: you may’t set it up with out power, so be sure you all the time journey with a pal or an clever St. Bernard that has a barrel on its collar), and press the Roadside Help button. Whilst you take a a lot wanted nap, Tesla’s pleasant roadside helpers will arrive and put additional powder in your tummy door, and also you’re off! The tent is commonplace gear. The Roadside Help service is 9 thousand 4 hundred and fifteen {dollars} per 30 days. For those who don’t purchase it, you go to jail.
I’m a feminist and I hearken to girls, and principally the one factor girls discuss is wanting pockets. I hear your shrill voices (I’m being ironic!) loud and clear. The Tesla Physique could have pockets all the best way down the legs, like cargo pants which you could’t take off. You’ll be able to hold so many essential objects in your pores and skin pockets: your Tesla Emergency Tent, your Tesla Flare (in case your protein powder runs out in the course of a highway), and your Tesla Map of Scottsdale! The map highlights all of my favourite websites, like N.F.T. galleries and a bar the place you may meet blond girls who’ve simply moved to America from the Japanese Bloc.
I’m going to say what I’m certain you’re already pondering: nobody ought to have a penis however me. A penis is a luxurious and a privilege that solely I’ve proved myself worthy of. The Tesla Physique will both have a vagina and ovaries or a handy cup holder to your favourite South African soda, Iron Brew. I’ll accordingly have the one sperm on Earth. Thus, anybody who needs to procreate must fill out an utility and submit it on to me. However, don’t fear, I all the time say sure! The appliance is only a formality so I can see what my future youngsters’s handwriting will seem like.
Typically, with our hectic fashionable schedules, it’s straightforward to misplace issues, which is why the Tesla Physique will come preloaded with a trusty app that may be capable to let you know the place your Physique is. O.Okay., sorry, another factor concerning the sperm. I’ve by no means appreciated the best way that my DNA could be unfold solely by very old school means. I’ll subsequently embed pre-fertilized Elon embryos in each Tesla Physique. All you need to do is maintain your Physique, and, one night time, a tiny Elon or Elonia will come out of its personal little door! Then simply drop your Child Elon / Elonia off on the nearest Tesla dealership or manufacturing facility. They’ll know what to do!
I do know you might be most likely so excited to get the brand new Tesla Physique that you’re already making ready to throw your outdated, horrible human physique within the trash. The Physique can be available on the market quickly, and it will likely be accessible to nearly everybody. It suits girls’s sizes 0-8 and any man shorter than me. I’m the tallest man on this planet! ♦
